6 AM = Killing Machine

Today I got to work the morning shift at work. I particularly like getting out at a decent hour where the rest of the day hasn’t already been consumed and I have a few hours to chill out before bed without compromising the hours of rest I obtain. I dislike pulling up to the parking lot and finding customers crawling around the entrance like zombies.

Seriously! Don’t you guys have something else better to do? I can understand being somewhere early and waiting for service but what good is it doing you to press your face against the locked sliding doors of a store? What advantage do you get out of rushing in to the store before even the employees walk in? It isn’t a race. I’m not going to give you a gold star for beating me to the counter. There is no discount for being a retard. Knock it off.

So I decide to enter slumber land with the intention of switching my laundry at an early hour, throwing my head over the side of the tub for a quick wash, and jumping back in to bed to snuggle soundly under my blankets.

I dreamed of laundry. As a child I thought that my clothes got bubble baths and inside the swishing-swashing machine there was a party of valiant bubbles gobbling up the pieces of dirt and dried up food on my clothes.

It really is a great process if you take a moment to think about it. So few things in life are as reliable as laundry.

As far as the need to make my hair smell like strawberries and cream and silky smooth… I am notoriously guilty for not wanting to spend the time in the shower every single day so if I haven’t done anything to make myself a disgraceful mess the day before I’ll just toss my head over the side and wash my hair under the faucet. It’s a great time saver because I’m one of those people who will spend an hour in the shower watching the steam, making shampoo Mohawks, etc.

The only bad thing about this method of cleanliness is that I’m always paranoid someone will walk in on me. I don’t know why I have this idea in my head that someone would but I can’t help but always pause in mid hair scrubbing to ponder how unflattering I probably look at that moment and just how big my butt must appear.

So slumber continues until 6:00 AM. There’s a faint hint of light entering my room but not all is at rest in my room. Aside from Zoot, my cat, sleeping on my head there is another occupant of my room. THE PHONE.

I sometimes believe my phone is out to get me. It stalks me as I sleep. I know it does! I mean, I have no physical proof but I just KNOW. Silently it stares at me with great anticipation for when it can receive a text message, phone call, or an alarm will go off just to startle the crap out of me.

Then when that time comes….

Awful. Don't be fooled by the cute, pink exterior. I’m debating about putting a restraining order on the dang device. I could even describe the noise as ‘violent’ at times.

So being abused in to an awakened state of being put me in to a dreadful, robot like state and I don’t know how I functioned in to making my body move but I somehow managed to get out of bed. I'm used to being a bubbly, happy morning person but -

Things were going well between my bed and the washing machine. My sensors didn’t pick up any disturbances and it seemed as if the AI was doing fine on cruise control. However, upon arriving at my destination I was met by a friendly spider of monstrous proportions.

Seriously. This thing had the body the size of a quarter at least. I don’t have a problem with tiny spiders but big creepy crawlers tend to freak me out. A typical response from me would have looked like –

However, my programming took over and the consequences of crossing my path and disrupting my mission was fatal for Mr. Eight-Legs.

Poor, little bastard.

My killing spree didn’t end there. Chilling out in the bathtub was another multi-eyed beast waiting to wish me good morning. I wasn’t in the mood for conversation.

This morning – I was the Spider Terminator. I attempted sleeping again but I was unable to deactivate. If only those dang customers were small enough to smash with the laundry detergent dispenser….