Here’s an example - So you are alone. :D Things are awesome! You’re putting together a puzzle or something else completely socially acceptable.
Thumbs up to relaxation and puzzles! Right? Right!
Then someone calls to inform you they’ll be over soon. Part of you goes, “Oh no, someone is coming!” but you’re also a little relieved because you have time to prepare but people normally don’t get off the phone when they’re ‘over soon’ so it happens more like –
You have no time to prepare now and you’re about to get caught RED HANDED doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Most people I know are pretty cool and they just carry on with their lives and let their invader enter their space without altering their plans or actions.
Not me.
I start to question what I’m doing, how odd it looks, how successful I was at doing what I was doing, etc.
“Do I hurry up and put the puzzle together as fast as I can so I can impress them? Do I hide the puzzle under the couch in a frantic manner so they don’t know I was even doing a puzzle to begin with? OH JEEZ they’ve been standing outside the door for like a minute in a half now while I’ve been trying to figure out how to not look like a pathetic loser or an over achiever that tries too hard…! Dammit! I just wanted to put together a puzzle! TWO MINUTES NOW?! I bet they think I’m in the bathroom and THAT’S really embarrassing cause that means that they would think I was on the phone with them while in the bathroom and my hands are dry so I didn’t wash my hands but I don’t want to greet them like -
…that would be really, really awkward.”
Normally, I’m not accused of anything outlandish and my extreme anxiety is completely unjustified but I’m still plagued. It is a truly a double edged sword though because moments like these mean that the time BEFORE you were all alone.
It is fantastic being alone! There are all sorts of wonderful things you can choose to do or not to do while alone and nobody will ever know!
I can be just as equally boring and responsible as I can be out of my mind insane so even when I’m doing very normal, productive things ( without any evidence of my mind producing a single, silly thought ) I still feel like I’m doing something totally outrageous that someone would surely judge me for.
I also believe there’s an awkward lapse in time that occurs between someone standing on the other side of your front door until they find their way in to your home. A serene looking living room suddenly turns in to a massive contortion of oddity and blasphemy before returning to something vaguely familiar – or at least this is what I believe people see when they bravely cross that threshold in to my abode.
Anyone I’ve ever explained this to has tried to reassure me that they don’t enter my home and see me dancing with fish under a disco ball and I most certainly never feel this way when I enter someone else’s home but I am still convinced this moment exists. Due to this personal reassurance I have developed a moment of immense fear when the first signs of an intruder are acknowledged.
In an effort to protect this stranger, friend, loved one, etc. from witnessing something truly terrifying I make an extreme effort to produce the most normal atmosphere I possibly can even if the situation doesn’t call for it.
Even at the cost of my own physical well being.
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